This is an spiritual autobiography I wrote for one of my classes. I cannot tell which one, but it appears it was written for my first year seminary class. (apologize for formatting issues at the beginning)
I could say that my journey began with my
acceptance of Christ and baptism in the summer of 2001. I could say
that my journey began years in a small Christian school where I was
taught that one could only respond after the preacher says, “With
every head bow and every eye closed, raise your hand if you just
prayed the sinner’s prayer.” I think I will say that my journey
began in 1929 when my grandmother Ruth Pennington was born. She
passed away a few weeks ago, but before she died, she taught me how
to live a Christian life. She did not raise me, but we typically went
to her house every Friday night for spaghetti, Saturday lunch for
hamburgers, Saturday dinner for venison, and often Sunday lunch out
at Ryan’s restaurant. I do not mean to discount the role of my
mother, grandfather, youth ministers, etc, but looking back my
grandmother was the most influential person in my spiritual life.
It wasn’t
seeing her constantly at work preparing meals for the family. It
wasn’t seeing her in church every Sunday passing us a small piece
of gum after communion. It wasn’t even hearing her pray. It was
something she did not do on purpose and never knew about, unless it
is information that is passed along in heaven like modern
pop-Christian songs indicate. She had a heart attack in the spring of
2001 and ended up having triple bypass surgery, dying on the
operating table, but was brought back through the efforts of a young
doctor and the prayers of my grandfather in the waiting room.
That situation was the first time death touched our family and the
first time that I truly thought about my own mortality. I realized
that I was wasting a lot of time doing things that were not
important, committing sins I should not be committing, and putting
off my decision to become a Christian. I had felt God calling on me
to commit my life for the several years before, but finally decided
following a youth trip to South Carolina. I was “on fire”
spiritually for several months, started teaching my high school
Sunday school class, and read through most of the New Testament very
quickly. It did not last and for the next few years I went back and
forth from “on fire” to spiritually weak. Eventually I settled on
Milligan College during a time of spiritual strength, but over the
course of four years changed to and from a Bible major several times.
While there my spiritual condition continued to vary regularly, but I
did clearly feel God’s call during the strong times. I learned over
those years two important truths: what God tells you in the
(spiritual) light, do not question in the dark and what God tells you
in the (physical) dark, proclaim in the light. I did not always not
question and I did not always proclaim, but I knew my mission.
Near the end of my senior year at Milligan I began to feel God’s
call to seminary as a way to prepare myself for ministry. I decided
on Emmanuel School of Religion after looking at the Christian
Education and Care and Counseling programs at several schools, even
though I had little “real” experience in either area. Since I
could not figure out which one God had called me to, I chose the
seminary that had strong programs in both. In prepared to enter ESR
in the fall of 2007, but the finances of it did not work out. I ended
up working for that whole year as the Textbook Manager of the
Milligan College Bookstore and as the Assistant Secretary of First
Christian Church in Elizabethton. My wife and I paid down her student
loans as much as we could while she was finishing up her last year at
Milligan. In May she took my job at the church so I could focus on
work at the bookstore. I was able to attend ESR this fall because of
the Tuition Exchange program with Milligan.
During that year off I thought that I would probably end up
ministering in some conglomeration of a Christian Education Director
and Associate Minister because I thought I liked writing curriculum
for children and I did not like preaching. After working with the
kids at our church, I found out I do not like teaching children as
much as I thought. I enjoyed only the 2nd and 3rd
graders and they enjoyed and remembered my teaching, but I felt a
stronger call to other teaching. I began teaching the Fidelis Class
twice per month, which is composed of women aged 60-90 or so. I just
love that class. I also began to teach on Wednesday nights regularly,
which was a mixed group of mainly seniors with a few middle-aged
folks thrown in. I enjoy that setting also and feel that my lessons
are effective. In addition to those two teaching settings I developed
a passion for financial counseling, read about a dozen books and
decided to pay off my wife’s student loan debt as quickly as
possible. I have so much information bottled up inside that I cannot
help but wonder what God has in store for my future ministry.
This passion was fueled not only by books but also by personal
experience interacting with those who came to the church seeking
monetary assistance for groceries, electric bills, and other needs.
At first I prejudged those people as ones who were just looking for a
handout, were abusing the system, and did not want to work. Some do
fit that description, but most are just uneducated in the area of
finance and are doing their best to survive and make a good life for
themselves. My heart began to break for them as I would see people
whose priorities were so out of line that they pay for cable when
they have no food to eat or people who just could not make enough
money to live due to physical or mental health issues. I want to
change all that. To borrow words from Peter and John, silver and gold
have I none, but what I have I desire to give. I want to lead people
from bondage to freedom, both spiritually and economically. I believe
that a person cannot be truly spiritually free and unencumbered while
in the bondage of debt.
God did not just lead me to these conclusion or my ideas for ministry
out of the blue. I believe that God had a plan even when I thought
God’s plan was different. It is possible that this desire and
training are preparing me for some other aspect of ministry, but I
will not find that out until I get there. I must press on full
strength in the direction that God is leading me at this moment,
while being prepared to change on turn in God’s time.
God has shaped my life and journey in many ways. Someone much smarter
than I developed the acronym S.H.A.P.E to describe God’s work in
our lives by dividing it up into the areas of our spiritual gifts,
heart’s desires, abilities, personality, and experience. Using that
as a model, I will attempt to convey my impression of God’s call
upon my life, filling in some of the gaps I have left in the previous
pages.
In every spiritual gifts inventory I have taken I score highly in the
area of teaching and pastoring. I never figured to use these gifts
since I was so shy and reserved in school. Over the years God has
given me many opportunities to teach and has released me from some of
that fear and anxiety, which has allowed me to be freer in my
teaching style and more confident. In my Introduction to Ministry
class at Milligan we had to preach a sermon and listen to each member
of the class preach. After hearing one person who was as shy then as
I was earlier in my life, I wrote on my evaluation of her that my
advice would be to speak boldly and confidently because what she
spoke about was given to her by God. As soon as I wrote it I realized
that I was not following that advice most of the time. Even now I
think that I do not always speak boldly when God has given me
something to say. At times my shyness, fear, or something similar
stands in the way of God’s word, but other times my boldness,
arrogance, or something similar stands just as much in the way of
God’s word.
Pastoring, though, is completely different from teaching in my
opinion. The two can be mixed a little, but I see pastoring as more
personal teaching in response to and preparation for life events. In
the past few years as I have been strengthening my teaching gift, I
have been letting my gift of pastoring weaken. I used to spend a lot
of time on the internet in “Christian” chat rooms talking to
people about their struggles, trying to help people through tough
times, and generally trying to brighten people’s days. This worked
out pretty well, I guess, but it is not the same as face-to-face
interaction. While I was outgoing and often said the tough things
that needed to be said in the anonymity of cyberspace, it is more
difficult for me to pastor friends who equally need someone’s help
in processing spiritual difficulties, life changes, or other
struggles. This is definitely an area I need to strengthen in
preparation for working in counseling.
My heart’s desire has changed over the years, but it has never been
starving children in Africa, spiritually deprived children in
Communist countries, or working with inner-city youth. I thought
there must have been something wrong with my spiritual life since it
seemed like these were the only things that were “worthy” of
having one’s heart focused on. My heart cries out for children
struggling without fathers, children whose parents choose drugs or
alcohol over formula, and children who grow up always thinking that
they will never get ahead in life.
I fell in love with the Shema and the following verses in Deuteronomy
during my last year at Milligan. I wrote one paper about it in the
Old Testament and one about Paul’s obvious references to it in the
New Testament. I became particularly interested in fathers teaching
their children the Law of God during the regular, mundane times of
the day. It does not particularly say that fathers should teach on
the Sabbath, but mainly points out unexpected “teachable moments”
that parents can share with their children. This regular teaching is
one of the main things I see children missing today due mainly to
fathers who are not involved, for one reason or another.
My heart also cries out for broken marriages, both those that have
ended and those that are on the road to destruction. I have not seen
the damage first hand in my own family, but ever since seventh grade
when I realized that over half of my class at a Christian school was
from broken homes, I have hurt for those affected by divorce. I have
come to think that money problems are the main cause of divorce, so
naturally I would like to help fix those issues so that couples can
better communicate with each other, better understand each other, and
better strengthen each other, and ultimately better present Christ to
the world.
Abilities are a tricky thing to talk about. I usually more loudly
broadcast what I cannot do well than what I can do well. I guess by
virtue of my education I can read well and actually enjoy it. I’m
not sure how that fits in to ministry aside from the volumes of
information that are opened up to those who enjoy reading versus
those who just read when they have to. Maybe writing is an ability
too. I do not usually write well academically, but I do write what I
feel and can usually better explain difficult concepts by typing them
out rather than speaking. More important to me than my abilities,
which I usually sell myself short on, are the things I am still not
good at but have drastically improved since accepting God’s call.
God has greatly improved my public speaking and large group teaching
abilities and actually given me a passion to pursue opportunities to
practice in varied settings. I used to dread the possibility that I
would be called on to pray in public or speak in front of a large
group, but now I have more confidence going into it that I am
prepared and ready to present whatever information I am called upon
to give at that time. I guess I could say that God blessed me with
awful penmanship, which encouraged me to learn to type as soon as I
could and as quickly as I could. It doesn’t necessarily help me for
any ministerial purpose yet, but it does help when putting together a
New Testament paper in college at three in the morning. Oddly enough,
that was one of the best papers I have ever written because it was
like God was writing through me in order to do it well and to do it
quickly.
As freshmen at Milligan we all had to take an MBTI test to find our
personality types as part of finding our vocation. When they came
back, they also had attached to them the most popular and least
popular occupations for our particular personality types. Mine came
back as the personality to be least likely to be clergy, while the
most likely careers for my personality were various management
positions. I thought that was ridiculous since I was so shy at the
time. It’s funny how God works sometimes. I got a job at the
bookstore on campus and moved up to Textbook Manager. I guess I’m
doing an okay job since they keep asking me to come back for another
year, but in the process of working there, my personality changed. I
am not so shy and reserved anymore, but have had to become outgoing
and more of a people-person. I think that change has been good since
pastors must interact on a regular basis with a lot of people they do
not know, but also people that they grow to know well.
I still must keep parts of my personality under control though. My
father is a pipe fitter for a union back in Newport News, VA, which
is not exactly a union hub. He was the financial secretary, a
trustee, and negotiator for them for about the whole time I was in
middle and high school. He came back with lots of interesting
stories, but I have inherited his lack of patience with people
sometimes, particularly people in whom I have entrusted money or
given money in exchange for items or services. I tend to want to make
sure I get my money’s worth and will contact corporate headquarters
if I do not feel I have gotten it. I will call book vendors and
quibble over who should have paid a few dollars shipping for a
mistake, because I am to be a steward of the money that Milligan has
invested in their bookstore. I can get a little rude with people who
do not follow corporate policies, so I try to keep that under control
as much as possible.
I think it would be best to divide my church-based experience from my
experience outside the church. Starting with outside the church, I
grew up attending a couple different Baptist schools, so for twelve
years I had Bible classes and chapel every Thursday. I did not pay
much attention to the Bible until high school, but I did pay
attention to the feelings shown by other students who grew tired of
the constraints or apparent constraints in their particular branches
of Christianity. I was also able to learn how to relate to members of
many different denominations. I found what we could agree on and what
we had to “agree to disagree” on.
Following high school I attended Milligan College and experienced
college life and all, but I guess the most formative situations were
a couple of bad relationships. I learned a lot about my own mind and
heart as well as about dating in general. Following the second
breakup I read several dozen books about relationships, Christian
counseling, divorce, pre-marriage counseling, etc because I was able
to get them cheaply at thrift stores, from church yard sales, and
from two pastors who were retiring and giving away their personal
libraries. I was able to experience the heartache that I was able to
lead others out of.
I guess my other main experience is death. Death has only touched my
family twice that I can remember. My Dad’s mother passed away two
years ago, but we were not particularly close to her. I was not able
to travel back for the funeral, but have since learned a lot about
her life. It was a difficult life, but she was apparently always
willing to share her faith, though we did not talk about faith much
at her house since my Dad’s dad has never been very interested in
it. When my mom’s mom passed away a few weeks ago it hurt my whole
family deeply since we had all spent so much time with her. I got
word she was in a coma at 6:00am. We immediately left for Newport
News and arrived just a couple hours before she passed away. We
stayed all week talking with extended family and friends who would
stop by the houses. That experience shaped me because I was able to
see what it means to leave a legacy and it re-inspired me to live a
life that others can emulate.
I have touched on a lot of my church experiences, but I have not
mentioned a mission trip to Jesus Place in inner city Atlanta. We
hosted a VBS in an apartment complex that we had to “clean up”
first by throwing away any drug paraphernalia from the areas we would
be setting up. The shaping part of the whole week was seeing the
children run behind our vans like children in foreign countries on
“adopt a child” commercials. It was amazing to see these kids
react that way. All we gave them by way of physical nourishment was a
one of those Kool-Aid type popsicles that you have to cut the top off
of to eat, all the rest of what we gave them was spiritual
nourishment through Bible stories. The only time other time I have
seen people react that way to spiritual refreshment was in one of Ted
Decker’s books when the Roush celebrate with Elyon at the
Gathering. I can’t imagine having such a thirst for the spiritual
that I would run a quarter mile or more behind a church van so I
could be the first one greeted when its occupants step out.
Earlier in paper I mentioned some of the things that I feel God is
calling me to, but seeing my spiritual journey and life-changing
events laid out in a row I am starting to understand God’s call a
little better. In chapel at Milligan, Curtis Booher quoted a
theologian as saying the calling for a Christian is a matter of
finding the interception of a heart’s desire and the world’s
needs. God may or may not have a specific occupational call for me,
but God has definitely given me gifts and abilities that must be used
wherever the world has needs and there will never be a shortage of
situations in which I must be a good steward of all God has given.
